That's right geezers it's the What's For Tea?
Guide To London In A Day!
Begin at Flat White in Soho.
You'll find more Antipodeans here than the Walkabout in Earl's Court. This, for once, is not a bad thing. It means the coffee is good! The Kiwis that run this cafe seem to have the fun meter turned up to eleven, and yes it might take a wee while for your cup to appear, but believe me it will be worth the wait. You can take your chances with the greasy spoon up the road, but then I'd have to say I told you so.
There's no table service here, so just walk on up to the counter, place your order and have a chuckle at the sign on the wall giving the definition and pronunciation of a flat white. There's food to boot and great tunes so settle in and enjoy your brekkie.
Once you're sufficiently caffeinated, you can wander the record stores on Berwick Street (Sister Ray is our fave) and make your way toward Covent Garden.
Cheese lovers, this is where you will find the world's smelliest shop - Neil's Yard Dairy - and London's biggest range of cheeses, including the aptly named Stinking Bishop.
Now that your nostrils no longer function correctly, it's time for some culture innit? The Tate Modern will see you through the next few hours and help rebuild your hunger.
Time for a stroll along the Thames to London Bridge, where the fabulous Borough Market is located. Have a good walk around before deciding whether it'll be grilled haloumi cheese on a fresh salad roll; a giant pie; a roast meat baguette; fresh felafel; or all manner of other delicious offerings available for your lunch. No panic buying please, it's all good, take your time.
A cheeky little bottle of takeaway prosecco will help you forget you're in the middle of city that houses around seven million people, while you savour the sights, smells and tastes of the fresh produce surrounding you. (Press play on the slideshow below for a virtual tour.)
Once you've bought enough preserves to cover your toast for the next fifty years, it's onto the tube and Green Park is your next stop.
If the sun is shining and your food coma coming on, grab a deck chair and soak up some rays and have a little snooze.
You could visit Buckingham Palace if you so desire; take a stroll in Hyde Park; or indulge in a bit of shopping/wishing along Knightsbridge.
Hail a black cab, and get ready to drop some serious cash on a once in a lifetime treat. Off to High Tea daaaarhlings. You would have already booked this so direct your driver to the Dorchester (pictured), The Ritz, Claridges or whichever Mayfair hotel you so choose.
Cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off actually do exist, so settle into your over-stuffed chair, cock your little finger in the air and enjoy the decadence of clotted cream and cakes on silver stands.
Didn't manage to get a table? Never fear, head for the bar of any of these hotels and order a cocktail. It may cost you a pretty penny but it's worth if for the people-watching alone; and besides, you only live once.
Now that it's late in the day, I suggest you stay put until after the rush hour, when it's time to head back to where you started - Soho.
Garlic & Shots is where you shall dine tonight. As the name suggests, all the food contains garlic and there are approximately one hundred different vodkas to try. (I exaggerate. Or do I?)
Don't be fooled by the vases of parsley on the tables, it's to assist in rectifying your breath after dinner, not add to the ambience.
Had enough? Well then it's off to bed for you and night night London town.
No? Happen to have your dancing shoes stashed in your pocket? Excellent! Off to Lady Luck you go to burn away all those calories.